What to Say When Someone Dies

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When someone yous know is grieving, it'south natural to want to accomplish out and help. But oftentimes, information technology's difficult to know what to say when someone dies. Faced with the enormity of loss, words feel inadequate. It'due south not uncommon to feel paralyzed, terrified of saying the wrong thing.

There'southward no perfect combination of words that volition have away a grieving person'south pain. But there are ways for yous to show them that you lot intendance, from sending a carte, to bringing over a home cooked meal, or only showing up in person.

From what to write in a sympathy card to when it'southward appropriate to option up the phone, we asked grief advocates, therapists, and other experts for their communication on how to support friends and loved ones when someone dies.

Calling, texting, or showing up confront-to-face are the best gifts you tin give someone who'due south grieving, says Dr. Kelsey Crowe, the co-writer of There'south No Good Card for This and founder of Help Each Other Out. "Sometimes it'due south simply letting them know, 'I want you to know y'all're in my thoughts.'"

Merely before you pick up the phone, it'due south worth considering your relationship with the person. "If you aren't close, definitely don't call inside days of a tragic upshot or difficult news," says Emily McDowell, co-author and illustrator of In that location'due south No Good Card for This . "Phone calls can feel intrusive and overwhelming at this time. A card, an email, or a text is better. However, if you are expert friends or close family, call! The person can always choose to not pick upwards."

If you do telephone call, permit your friend or loved ane know that you're there for them, and make sure they know that in that location'southward no pressure for them to call you back. If you lot're not certain what to say, something along the lines of, "I'g so sad to hear about [the person who died]," or "I can't imagine what this must feel similar for you" are good sentiments to fall dorsum on.

Acknowledgement tin become a long manner, even if you don't know the person well. If you see someone y'all know is grieving, don't avoid them or engage in small talk similar everything is normal. Megan Devine, author of It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand says it's all-time to permit the grieving person lead.

"I tend to make eye contact," Devine says. "And maybe a footling nod of the caput to say I run across you, and I'k going to respect your space correct at present, just I want you to know that I meet you."

The best way to show support for someone who's grieving is to let them know yous're there for them — and so actually show upwardly.

"When words are inadequate, it's your presence that makes a deviation," says Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. If at that place'southward a funeral or memorial service, make an effort to attend. "Yous'll always remember the people that do, in fact, evidence up," Wolfelt says.

If you're unsure what to say to someone at a funeral, information technology'south okay just to let them know that you lot're sorry for their loss. Information technology lets the person know that you recognize their pain without making whatever assumptions about their grief.

Fifty-fifty if you're not close to the person who'southward grieving, it'south almost ever a good idea to send a card. If you're unsure what to write in a sympathy card, it'due south okay to keep information technology brusque and sweet.

"All yous actually demand to say is some variation of: "I'g sorry you're going through this. I'yard hither. I'm thinking about yous, I dearest you," says McDowell, who also has a line of empathy cards. "Your job here is to let the person know you intendance, and making the effort of sending a card is a dandy mode to practise this. Don't exist afraid to share a favorite story or retentiveness about the person who has passed on."

Gifts are some other fashion to let someone know that you're thinking of them, especially if you can't exist in that location in person. You tin send something applied, similar a book on grief or a voucher for a massage, or something sentimental. "I love to give flowers," Crowe says, who recommends giving something that'due south meaningful to yous. "If you like music, make a playlist. If y'all're crafty, knit a coaster."

When someone is grieving, one of the simplest ways to testify support is to offer to help with chores and other practical tasks.

Don't wait for the person to ask for help. They might feel similar they don't desire to burden anyone, or they might not even realize they need help, says Crowe. Just get ahead and offer — simply be specific. While people often say "let me know if you need anything," information technology's much easier for someone to take you lot up on a specific offer. For example, you could offer to pick upwards the kids from schoolhouse or day intendance, bring over a home-cooked meal, or aid tackle a stack of paperwork.

Whatever y'all offer, make sure it's something yous can really follow through on. "It's important that the offer is something yous really like to do," says Crowe. "Don't offer to cook if cooking is stressful for you, for example."

"Many times, people in their anxiety will say light-headed, inappropriate things," Wolfelt says. Often, people fall back on clichés and trite comments in an attempt to comfort people in grief, many of which diminish the loss, and cause unintended pain. Some phrases to avoid: everything happens for a reason; God wouldn't give yous more than you tin can handle; what doesn't impale you makes you stronger; at to the lowest degree they lived a good life.

Another phrase to avert: "I know how you feel." Even if you've experienced a similar loss, you shouldn't presume that someone else is feeling the same way you did. "Empathy gives you insight into some of the emotions your friend might be having, but saying 'I know how yous experience' tin can sound dismissive of their unique feel, and crusade them to feel alienated," says McDowell.

Often, after someone dies, whether consciously or unconsciously, people avoid saying the person'south name. But Devine says you shouldn't be afraid: saying the person's name won't brand someone that's grieving more upset; instead, it will let them know that yous remember the person, and you're open to talking about them. "If yous are uncomfortable or worried about upsetting somebody, and they're saying their person'south name, and you cringe and walk away, you lot're erasing their person," Devine says. "Yous're basically saying, I don't see this, this is too hard."

Even after everyone else goes back to their day-to-day lives, it can exist helpful to keep checking in on the person in the weeks and months after their loss.

"Loss doesn't have an expiration date," McDowell says. "If something truly bad has happened, a person'southward life has changed forever, and just because time has passed, they probably haven't stopped thinking about their grief."

If you desire to reach out but have no thought what to say, McDowell recommends starting with a simple question,  like "how are you lot today?" Adding "today," acknowledges the fact that they're going through something painful, while also giving the person an opening to share how they're feeling.

Reaching out to a friend who has just lost a loved i can exist daunting, simply it's amend to endeavour and adventure making a mistake than non try at all. When people avoid addressing a tragedy out of fear of making things worse, the person grieving can terminate upwardly feeling abandoned.

"If yous don't know what to say, it'due south okay to say that," McDowell says. "Our friends don't expect us to respond perfectly and eloquently to every situation. They only want to know that we care enough to try."

What to Say When Someone Dies